“Lies, Soft Cushions, and the Delicate Art of Not Calling B.S.: Why We Tiptoe Around the Truth”

Lauro Amezcua-Patino, MD, FAPA.
6 min readOct 2, 2024

by Lauro Amezcua-Patino, MD, FAPA and Vincent Perez-Mazzola

by Lauro Amezcua-Patino, MD, FAPA and Vincent Perez-Mazzola

What Happened to Calling a Lie a Lie?

Ah, remember the good old days? Back when the world was more straightforward, people called things by their rightful names. You know, a time when if someone lied, you didn’t have to perform verbal gymnastics or worry about bruising their fragile feelings. You just looked them in the eye and said, “That’s not true.” End of story. But fast forward to today, and suddenly, the truth feels like a rare, endangered species, and calling out a lie? That’s practically a felony in the court of public opinion. So, what on Earth happened?

We’ve all noticed it. We live in an era where calling someone out for lying feels like challenging them to a duel at sunrise. People squirm at the mere suggestion that they’ve, heaven forbid, misrepresented reality. Instead of saying, “You’re lying,” we now tiptoe through phrases like, “There seems to be a discrepancy here” or “Your truth differs slightly from the facts.” Translation: You’re lying, but I don’t want you to hate me.

The Age of Emotional Bubble Wrap

So, what changed? Welcome to the world of emotional sensitivity, where facts are treated like fragile eggs, and everyone’s feelings are considered sacred. Today, being brutally honest is often seen as just brutal. The moment you even think about calling someone a liar, you’re accused of being harsh, insensitive, or worse — “toxic.” Now, I’m all for not hurting someone’s feelings unnecessarily, but honesty shouldn’t feel like navigating a minefield. Somewhere along the way, we decided that truth was less important than comfort. In other words, we’re wrapping lies in emotional bubble wrap to protect them from the harsh reality of truth.

But wait, it gets better. We’ve gone so far in this direction that we’ve invented new ways to avoid the L-word altogether. We have a whole menu of euphemisms to choose from: “misstatement,” “miscommunication,” or my personal favorite, “alternative facts.” Yeah, because if you dress up a lie and give it a fancy name, it’s suddenly less deceitful, right? Sure, keep telling yourself that.

The Diplomatic Dance Around the Truth

Enter the age of diplomacy — the art of never actually saying what you mean. Instead of simply stating, “That’s a lie,” you must perform a careful dance, full of qualifiers and hedging. “I see your perspective, but our data doesn’t quite match that narrative.” What narrative? Do you mean the fairy tale they just told you with a straight face? Yes, that one.

And it’s not just in personal interactions where this happens. The workplace is a breeding ground for what I like to call “polite dishonesty.” No one wants to be the person who throws a grenade into the room by saying, “Actually, that’s a lie.” Instead, you’ll hear, “I’m having trouble reconciling this information with what I know to be true.” Because, you know, sugarcoating dishonesty with layers of passive-aggression is way better than just calling it out directly.

The truth is, we’ve become more invested in avoiding conflict than in holding people accountable. Why? Because we’ve been conditioned to think that confrontation is inherently bad. And if there’s one thing we hate more than liars, it’s conflict. So, we dance around the truth, hoping no one notices the elephant in the room — that someone just lied, and we’re too scared to point it out.

When It’s Time to Call a Lie a Lie

So, when is it appropriate to call a lie a lie? The short answer is whenever the consequences of the lie are more damaging than the awkwardness of confrontation. Simple enough, right? But let’s get into some specifics.

1. In Personal Relationships

Every relationship has its share of little white lies. “Of course, I remembered our anniversary,” or “No, that outfit doesn’t make you look like you raided a 1970s disco closet.” But it’s essential to nip that in the bud when it comes to serious dishonesty. Lies erode trust, and trust is the foundation of any solid relationship. So, if your partner is lying about something significant — say, where they’ve been or what they’ve been doing — call it out. Just remember to keep your cool. No one likes to be accused of being a liar, so maybe try something like, “It doesn’t seem like we’re being fully honest with each other.” It’s softer, sure, but it gets the point across.

2. In the Workplace

Workplace dishonesty is like a ticking time bomb. Whether it’s fudging numbers on a report or lying about why a project wasn’t completed on time, dishonesty can destroy a team’s trust faster than you can say “office drama.” But here’s the rub: accusing a coworker or boss of lying in the workplace is like declaring war. So, tread lightly. Instead of saying, “You’re lying,” opt for a more professional approach like, “I’m having trouble aligning the facts with what was shared. Could we clarify?” Translation: You’re lying, but I’m giving you one last chance to fix it before I blow this whole thing up.

3. In Politics (Brace Yourself)

Ah, politics, where lying is practically part of the job description. Politicians have mastered bending the truth to the point where it snaps. Now, more than ever, calling out lies in this arena is crucial because the stakes are so high. And yet, in our “post-truth” world, calling a lie a lie has become a revolutionary act. If you’re brave enough to do it, go for it — but don’t be surprised if the lie gets rebranded as “an alternative interpretation of the facts.” Welcome to 21st-century politics.

How to Call Out a Lie Without Starting World War III

Now, I get it. You don’t want to come off as overly aggressive or risk blowing up a situation, especially in a delicate setting. So, how do you call out a lie while keeping things somewhat civil? Here are a few strategies:

1. The Fact-Based Approach

Instead of saying, “That’s a lie,” stick to the facts. “Here’s what the data shows.” This way, you’re not attacking the person — you’re simply presenting the evidence. Let them squirm in their dishonesty. The facts speak for themselves.

2. Ask for Clarification

A little less aggressive but still effective. “Can you help me understand? Because what you said doesn’t seem to match the information I have.” You’re allowing them to backtrack without outright accusing them. Plus, you get the bonus of sounding reasonable and patient while they fumble for an explanation.

3. Sarcastic Wit (My Personal Favorite)

When the lie is so blatant, it’s almost laughable, so why not throw in some humor? “Oh wow, that’s a fascinating version of reality. I wish I lived in your world!” Delivered with a smile, it’s a way to point out the lie without going full-on attack mode. Just be sure to use this with people who can handle it. Not everyone appreciates a good sarcastic jab, unfortunately.

Picking Your Battles

Of course, not every little fib must be dragged into the spotlight. Sometimes, you’ve got to pick your battles. If the lie isn’t harming anyone and calling it out will lead to unnecessary drama, maybe let it slide. But when lies affect your relationships, work, or sense of integrity, it’s time to speak up. Remember to balance honesty with tact — nobody wins in a scorched-earth approach to truth-telling.

Bringing Back Honesty (With a Side of Humor)

In a world where lies often feel like the norm, calling out dishonesty can feel like a lost art. But honesty is worth defending, and with the right balance of facts, humor, and diplomacy, you can call a lie a lie without setting the room on fire. The key is to approach it with confidence, a bit of wit, and maybe just a touch of sarcasm — because, let’s face it, if you’re going to call someone out, you might as well have a little fun with it.

So, the next time you hear a blatant lie, don’t be afraid to say, “That’s not true.” And if you feel like it, throw in a clever one-liner for good measure. After all, honesty may be brutal, but who says it can’t also be entertaining?

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Lauro Amezcua-Patino, MD, FAPA.

Dr. Lauro Amezcua-Patiño: Bilingual psychiatrist, podcaster, clinical leader, educator, and researcher. Expert in forensic medicine and mental health issues.