“Surviving the Holidays: A Psychiatrist’s Guide to Keeping Peace, Passing the Pie, and Dodging Political Drama”
by Lauro Amezcua-Patino, MD, FAPA and Vincent Perez-Mazzola
Ah, the holidays — a time for joy, togetherness, and stuffing our faces with food. It’s the season for gathering around a table with loved ones, sharing stories, celebrating life, and for many, trying desperately to avoid that one relative who insists on bringing up politics. For years, the holiday table has been a safe haven — a place for casseroles, desserts, and the occasional “Who cooked the turkey this dry?” Not so much anymore. Now, it’s more of a minefield, where stepping one toe into the wrong topic can trigger an explosion that lasts until the New Year.
So how do we survive the holiday season without throwing mashed potatoes at Uncle Bob or cutting ties with Aunt Carol forever? Here are some sanity-saving strategies to keep your holidays merry, even if not always bright.
1. Set Clear Boundaries Before Gathering
Yes, I know it sounds like you’re planning a diplomatic summit, but boundaries work. Politely suggest to your family that maybe this year, politics can stay off the menu. It’s not suppression; it’s preservation — preservation of peace and that beautifully set table. Encourage conversations about shared interests or holiday traditions instead. Here’s the trick: position it as an exciting holiday experiment! “This year, let’s try something crazy: no politics! Imagine that!”
If someone just has to bring up politics, you can use a gentle, non-confrontational phrase like, “Let’s save that for another time.” (Translation: Please, for the love of pie, stop.) Keep it light and move the conversation to safer waters. Trust me, Aunt Carol will survive a few hours without talking about her favorite news channel.
2. Focus on Empathy and Curiosity
This one requires a bit of effort, but it works wonders. Approach these potentially volatile conversations with empathy rather than defensiveness. If your cousin starts passionately explaining why they feel a certain way, try responding with, “Interesting! Tell me more about why that’s important to you.” Look at that! You just became a diplomat.
Now, this doesn’t mean you have to agree with them or surrender your beliefs. It’s about letting people feel heard. Because, let’s be honest, most of us aren’t going to change anyone’s mind at a holiday dinner. But what we can do is build a bridge of understanding — or at least make it to dessert without incident.
3. Have a Go-To Topic or Activity
When you can see the conversation veering toward a political iceberg, it’s time to steer the ship in another direction. Plan activities that get everyone involved and engaged, like a game, a holiday movie marathon, or a group cooking session. “Who wants to play Pictionary?” is a great distraction — especially if it’s followed by handing out the markers and yelling, “I’ll start!”
For structured gatherings, icebreaker questions can work wonders. Try “What’s everyone’s favorite holiday memory?” or “What’s one crazy goal you have for the new year?” Safe, neutral territory. If you sense the family wants to dive into politics, redirect with, “What do you think would happen if Santa went vegan?” or something equally bizarre. Confusion is your friend here.
4. Set Time Limits and Take Breaks
Sometimes, the best way to keep your cool is to step out of the kitchen — literally. If the conversation is heading south, take a little breather. Step outside, take a walk, or go find a quieter room and recharge. Holiday gatherings are marathons, not sprints, so pace yourself.
You’re allowed to prioritize your mental well-being. If you need to set a time limit on how long you stay at the gathering, do it unapologetically. And if things get heated, excuse yourself for a few minutes to get some fresh air. No one has ever died from missing five minutes of an intense political debate — unless they were the turkey.
5. Remember Why You’re Gathering
Remember that whole “reason for the season” thing? Well, it’s actually a great mental reminder. When you feel tensions rising, take a deep breath and focus on why you’re really there: to connect with family, to make memories, and to appreciate each other. Not to convince everyone that your view on tax reform is the only correct one.
When things get tough, try centering the conversation around shared memories, holiday plans, and common values. Think of it this way: relationships last a lifetime; politicians come and go. (And frankly, most of them won’t be at your funeral, but Aunt Carol probably will.)
6. Practice Self-Care and Reflect on Your Limits
Let’s face it, some of us are not built for endless debate. And that’s okay. Make self-care part of your holiday game plan. Engage in activities that bring you peace, whether it’s sneaking away to read a book, meditate, or just take a long bathroom break (a.k.a. the “Introvert’s Haven”).
Know your emotional limits, too. Recognize what topics or people make you uncomfortable and try to steer clear of those conversational pitfalls. Understanding your triggers can help you set realistic boundaries and, ultimately, avoid unnecessary stress. Self-care during the holidays isn’t selfish; it’s survival.
7. Know When to Agree to Disagree
We all have that one relative who lives on a different planet. Instead of launching into a futile debate, try to find peace in the phrase, “We’ll have to agree to disagree.” It’s a polite way of saying, “I’m not changing my mind, and I know you’re not either.” Plus, it saves you from an endless back-and-forth.
A simple, “I respect that we see things differently,” works wonders. And guess what? Respecting someone’s opinion doesn’t mean you agree with them. It just means you’re not willing to start World War III over stuffing.
8. Protecting Yourself — When Is It OK to Walk Away?
Here’s a truth bomb: sometimes, walking away is the healthiest choice. When political discussions start turning personal or even disrespectful, it’s okay to step back. You have the right to protect your peace.
When Conversations Turn Hurtful: If someone’s comments start crossing into hurtful or personal territory, politely excuse yourself. “I think I’ll grab some more pie” can work wonders here.
When Boundaries Are Ignored: Remind them of your pre-set boundaries. If they’re still not respecting them, excuse yourself and maybe take a time-out in another room.
When You Feel Emotionally Drained: Know your limits. It’s okay to take a break or even leave early if your well-being depends on it. Self-care is not selfish, it’s necessary — especially during the holidays.
9. When Is It OK to Tell Them to “Stick It”?
Let’s get real — there’s a point when diplomacy doesn’t work, and you need to stand up for yourself. I don’t mean throwing down the mashed potatoes, but sometimes a firm boundary is necessary. If someone is repeatedly disrespectful, it’s okay to be assertive. Tell them to stick it — in the nicest way possible.
When Insults or Personal Attacks Are Involved: A calm, “I’m not here to be insulted, and I won’t stay for this,” lets them know you’re serious. It’s not aggressive; it’s just standing up for yourself.
When You’ve Tried Every Other Avenue: If all else fails and someone still won’t respect your boundaries, let them know directly that you’ve asked to move on. “I’ve asked several times to change the topic. If you can’t respect that, I’ll have to step away.”
Final Thoughts
The holidays are meant to be a time of warmth, connection, and gratitude. Sure, politics might be the third rail of holiday gatherings these days, but it doesn’t have to dominate the season. By setting boundaries, practicing empathy, and focusing on the things that truly matter, you can keep your sanity — and maybe even enjoy yourself.
So this holiday season, remember: it’s okay to put peace over politics, and it’s perfectly acceptable to walk away when you need to. The goal isn’t to convert minds; it’s to connect hearts (cheesy, I know, but bear with me). The holidays are about togetherness, laughter, and — if you’re lucky — a little bit of eggnog-induced amnesia. Let’s keep the spirit of the season alive and leave the divisiveness outside. Because if we can’t be kind to each other during the holidays, then when?
Happy Holidays, and good luck dodging those political landmines!
